Where is that parenting handbook?

My biggest fear is that I'll mess up the most important job of my life:

parenthood.

Eek.  We're almost a year into this journey, and I'm scared.  I look around at the people I know, and I see examples of the kind of people that I'd like our children to grow up to be.  The part that scares me is that I also know people that I don't want my children to become.

I want our kids to be the ones

who try hard in life

who help everyone even when it's not convenient

who you want working for you 

who clean up after themselves

who take responsibility for their actions

who don't get into trouble

who aren't spoiled or selfish

etc…

Now, I am fully aware that no one is perfect, and no one succeeds at raising perfect kids.  I just want to raise good kids, but I don't know how to do it.  I know there are things that I've learned throughout my life that I want to do with my kids.  When I look at me and my siblings, for the most part, I think my parents did a lot of things right.  I hope and pray that Kevin and I can do as well as they did, but we already know it’s not always that easy.

We are all most familiar with our own upbringing, but I know that I've learned about other parenting techniques and decisions from the way my grandparents raised my parents, how Kevin was raised, and experiences of my cousins and friends.  As things have affected my life or the people closest to me, I’ve occasionally thought, “I’m not going to do that when I have kids.”  Or I’ve said the opposite to myself: “I need to remember that in the future because I think it’s important.”  I’ve heard other parents say the same thing, and it seems like the things that stick with us are the incidents that have had the most impact on us.  We remember how we felt.  Someone else growing up in the same house may come away with a completely different list of the things important to them.

I have this list in my head that I’ve been noting over the years, but I thought I would write them down.  I hope they are things that will help us create a healthy, nurturing environment for our family.  Even though I have these ideas, I already know that making the right decisions is not as easy as having a list of ideals.  It has already been hard for me to stick to my values in this first year, and she can’t even talk back yet!  Sometimes it is just so hard not to give Adriana everything she wants because she’s just too cute!  That is one reason parenting must be done in a team; Kevin has helped me get back on track and reminds me of the kind of kids we want to raise.  What is quick and easy right now may not be in her best interests for the long haul, and it takes effort and conscious decisions to keep the future in mind.

So my list is as of right now.  Some of them may seem kind of random, but they’ve come up at some point in my life.  As we continue on the journey, there will be new experiences that may alter my point of view.  Also, each child is completely different; what works for one may not be appropriate for another.  If I look back at this in twenty years, I wonder what I’ll think. J

©     Faith and the forgiveness of sins will always be the most important thing.

©     Our kids will always be our first priority.  Every day.  Every moment.  I’ve heard parents tell their kids what they’ve sacrificed for them, and I don’t like it.  As parents, that’s what our job is: to sacrifice for our children.  My kids don’t need to feel like they got in the way of my life; they are my life.

©     I will teach the value of money.  I think it’s important to understand how much it costs to live and provide for a family.  My parents always showed me how much they made compared to how much the bills were.  It helped me realize the importance of my education.

©     I will welcome friends and significant others of our kids into our family.  Showing anything but love to those important to our children may only push them away.

©     I will teach my girls about their period so that it is not a surprise or embarrassing thing.  It’s a part of life, and I want them to be comfortable talking about it and taking care of their body.

©     I always want my kids to feel safe.  They don’t need to around yelling, swearing, drinking, etc.  I am amazed at some of the atmospheres that parents think are appropriate for children.

©     If any of my children ever join the military, I will support them.  It takes a special kind of person to protect our country and potentially face war.  It’s not easy, and they deserve support and help from their family.

©     Kevin and I will be a team.  We discuss our priorities, and we want to always be on the same page.  I’ve seen kids growing up in households where their parents disagree, and it’s confusing for them.  We hope we can stay consistent.

©     Our kids won’t get everything they want. 

©     Our kids will be disciplined…even when it’s hard for me. J  As our kids grow up, I am not there to be their friend; I have to be the parent because no one else will be.

©     There will be plenty of love to go around.  If we have 2 kids or 10 kids, I want each one to feel just as loved as the others.  I also want them to know we will always be there for them to talk to (even if we’re mad).

©     Our kids will learn to try new foods.  The rule in our house growing up was that if you didn’t eat your supper, you didn’t get anything else to eat that night until you finished it.  It helped me fall in love with food, and I love trying new things.  It kind of annoys me when parents say, “My kids will only eat chicken nuggets.”  Well, feed them something else!  They’re not going to starve themselves.

©     I will talk to my kids like they’re adults.  Kids understand so much more than adults give them credit for.  I don’t see the point in holding them back and “dumbing things down” when their brains are so capable.

©     Our kids will have responsibilities…cleaning up after themselves, jobs around the house, doing their homework, etc.  Everyone in the household needs to pitch in, and the kids need to learn skills to be able to live on their own one day.

©     One of our main goals will be to raise kids that can be a contributing member to society and be successful on their own when they become an adult…whether that means teaching them how to change their oil, headlights, and brakes on their car or teaching them how to do their taxes…there is a lot to struggle through when you’re first out on your own and having some already under my belt gave me confidence that I’d be able to get through it all.  Some can also save you money!

©     We want to have fun with our kids.  Life can get so boring and monotonous as adults.  Kids keep thing simple and fun, and they can help bring us back down to earth when we get caught up in all of the stresses and responsibilities that we have.

©     I will listen and learn from my kids.  I was fortunate to have parents that treated me like an adult, and when I pointed out their decisions that I thought could have been handled differently, they often agreed with me and admitted their mistakes.  They always acknowledged that they made mistakes as parents, and I know Kevin and I will mess up a lot too.  I will try not to defend my mistakes as a parent and instead try to keep my mind open in order to not repeat them.

©     Our kids will learn that life is not fair.  They won’t be complimented when they don’t deserve it; they will know when they have done well, and that will build their self-esteem.  I am all too well familiar with what happens when children grow up in the make-believe world thinking they are amazing and can do no wrong.  I recently read this blog post from Matt Walsh, and I wish more parents understood that they’re not doing their kids well by telling them they played well after every hockey game even when they sucked.  Failure and imperfection are great drivers to do better and improve yourself.

©     Kids will make mistakes.  I will try not to focus and dwell on the past and look to the future instead.  This isn’t easy for me, and Kevin will need to help me.

So I know my list is incomplete.  I’ve been working on this for quite some time, but eventually, I just had to post it.  As things come to me, and as I learn more from other parents and from my kids, maybe I’ll add to it.  Will it help me get to my goal?  I don’t know.  I just hope we’re able to keep the important things in focus and get the list “right enough” before it’s too late. 

Parenting is a touchy subject, and there will always be enormous disagreements.  Most likely your “list” looks completely different.  I want to learn as much as possible from others even if I disagree because unlike many of my previous decisions in life, the decisions that I make now will not only affect me, they may affect my children’s lives from this day forward, and they’ll have no say in it whatsoever.  So if I do anything right in my life, this has to be it.  I have to do this for my kids.

What are the things that have affected your life that have made you say, “I’m never going to do that to my kids.” or on the other side, “I’m a better person because of what my parents did.  I want to do the same with my kids.”?